WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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