i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
