where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
