Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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