omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
