I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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