Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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