i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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