hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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