if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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