Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
