It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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