literally had 100 drinks last night.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
