She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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