I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
