I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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