peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
