oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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