yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
