We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
