4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"