but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
