I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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