it wasn't lemon gatorade
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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