it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
