The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
