I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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