Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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