I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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