mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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