im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
