I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
