i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
