Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
