I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
