i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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