Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
