after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
