I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
