Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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