I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He? As in you personified your dick?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
