you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
