It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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