it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.