everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
