we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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