I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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