I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
