How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
