I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
