Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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