I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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