The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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