i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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