I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
