Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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