she woke up with a sticky ear
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
