Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
