there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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