Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
