i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
